When I refer to “the scene” I’m referring to the BDSM community itself just like any other community with a shared interest. When someone in BDSM refers to “a scene”, it’s about a BDSM “session”. To prevent confusion, I’m going to say “session” instead of “a scene”.

Before I get into too much depth about the scene itself, it’s important to bring up some essential concepts that will prove critical to safely exploring your kinky side.

Informed Committed Assent

“Informed” means that you understand what you’re getting into and what might happen as a result,

“Committed” means that you take responsibility for the fact that you genuinely wanted that kind of play at that time (within reason), and

“Assent” (an extension of consent) means that you didn’t just “let” something happen to you, you actively sought it out and wanted it to happen.

Informed Committed Assent is the single most important principle of BDSM (even before understanding the definition of BDSM). Without it, everything we do is for naught.

For example, I was made aware of a newcomer to the BDSM scene that was curious to try being spanked with a large wooden paddle. The woman to be spanked said she had “no limits” for the spanking and she wanted to be spanked with the heaviest paddle the guy had available. The guy didn’t recognize that someone saying they have “no limits” is a major red flag, he just spanked her anyway until her ass was bruised so much that she coudn’t sit comfortably for weeks. When the woman became understandably upset about this, he told her that he’s blameless because she consented to being spanked with his heaviest paddle.

This scenario was disastrous mostly because the spanker didn’t accept any responsibility for what he was going to do or what he had done to the spankee. When there turned out to be a problem, he hid behind “consent” after-the-fact. Although she wanted it (that is, she assented to it), she didn’t know what she was getting into. Before the spanking, he could have educated her about the danger of bruising with that paddle (making it “informed”) or he could have at least owned up and helped her heal (making it “committed”), but because he didn’t the woman left the BDSM scene traumatized by the experience.

Almost every single time there’s a problem because of a lack of informed committed assent, the fault lies with the person acting upon the recipient of that kind of play. However, although it’s extremely rare, that is not always the case.

For example, a friend of mine recently had a BDSM party at his home. One of the participants (a young woman) had a kinky play session with a couple of men there. After the party, she claimed that the session was nonconsensual. This is a HUGE deal. We in the BDSM scene take accusations of nonconsensual play VERY seriously. In the end, it turned out that she was lying about the session being nonconsensual. She completely forgot when she assented to the play session that her boyfriend would not be okay with her playing with a black man (her boyfriend was racist), so to hide the truth from her boyfriend she made up a story about the play session being nonconsensual.

In this extremely rare situation, the play session was neither “informed” (she didn’t tell the other people in that session what the results of the play session might be) nor “committed” (she didn’t own up to her mistake and accept the consequences). Some of the people that participated in that session were so disgusted that they left the BDSM scene permanently while the young woman and her boyfriend dug their heels in (although they’ve been banned from attending that person’s parties).

So what does the term “BDSM” mean?

“BDSM” is a combination of a few acronyms:

BD = Bondage/Discipline

DS = Domination/submission

SM = Sadism/Masochism

BDSM has far more variety than just these terms, but they cover the most common aspects.

BDSM is about a temporary borrowing of power (usually a Dominant borrowing power from a submissive). The Dominant may have lots of fancy sex toys and skills, but without a submissive (who then allows the Dominant to borrow some power temporarily) the Dominant "is just some asshole with a paddle". The submissive, ultimately, has all of the real power in a BDSM relationship dynamic, no matter the scope or duration of the relationship (even if it's just one kinky hookup), because the submissive can end a play session or an entire relationship dynamic in literally an instant.

This does not mean that a submissive should use that to exert "control" over a Dominant (such as to actively force the Dominant to violate their personal limits, or to get away with stuff that wouldn't be okay in a platonic friendship), but it does mean they should know, appreciate, and maintain their own value as a person. If a Dominant doesn't fit your needs (such as requiring they effectively communicate their needs and limits), any submissive should feel free to discuss the issue as equals or seek out another Dominant.

At its core, BDSM is about finding your personal fulfillment and exploring the parts of your sexuality that lie outside of the norm.

“Risk Aware Consensual Kink” (RACK) and “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” (SSC)

You will see these two terms used periodically within the scene when discussing philosophies for thinking about safe BDSM. They both cover the same topic, although with slightly different perspectives.

“Safe, Sane, and Consensual” means that we try to be safe in our play, we don’t do anything crazy, and we always get consent. That sounds pretty straightforward, right? Well, not to everyone. Many people don’t think this term goes far enough to exemplify how to best think about how to do kink safely. These people believe that kink and BDSM are inherently risky and thus can never be truly “safe”. We can try to be “more safe” and “more sane” regarding to the kind of kinky play being done, but none of it is truly 100% “safe” or “sane” for everyone at all times because there may be unknown factors (such as undiagnosed medical conditions) that might affect play.

Personally, I agree with them, so we practice “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. For all kinds of play we do with RACK, everyone understands that what we do is risky, but we all work to educate ourselves and eachother about that risk as to minimize it as much as reasonably possible. RACK also acknowledges that well-informed people can safely take significantly more risks in play (whereas the SSC philosophy stigmatized particularly risky play).

Limits

Every single person in a kinky play session (regardless of their role in the session) has limits on what they’re comfortable doing. Breaking some of these limits can make the person mildly uncomfortable physically or psychologically, while breaking more important limits could freak them right the fuck out! It’s vital to understand what relevant limits each person has before starting a session with them.

There are typical limits and then there are “hard” limits. Typical limits are more lenient as to whether they might be open to that sort of play in the future (although they’re certainly not okay with it right now). Hard limits are absolute and violating them may cause the person to become traumatized.

For example, I personally have three generally-worded “hard” limits. That is, I’m open to discussing play with me that...

1. isn’t medically dangerous (blood play, scat, etc.),
2. isn’t potentially permanent (piercings, scarring, etc.), and
3. isn’t inherently unethical (race play, misogyny play, etc.).

I also have specific limits for specific kinds of play (such as when I’m being spanked). It’s perfectly normal to have detailed limits, but it’s also important when discussing your limits with others to remember which ones are really relevant to the current context. I could go into detail right now about each of my spanking limits, but unless you and I were in-person talking about spanking me, it’s not all that relevant right now.

Safe Words

Put simply, a safe word is something you can instantly say or do to indicate to other people nearby that one of your physical or psychological limits has been breached. As such, safe words must always be taken seriously by everyone in the session. You can have many different kinds of limits and thus many different safe words, but generally-speaking most people have two:

- a “yellow” (check-in) safe word (which is usually the word “yellow”) indicating that the other people in the session should stop what they’re doing and check in with the person that said it as to their concerns about someone’s physical and psychological state, and
- a “red” (stop everything) safe word (which is usually the word “red”) indicating that the entire session needs to end right now, almost always because something happened to break a severe physical or psychological limit of the person that called “red” and they need to get the hell out of there immediately.

Other safe words are common, although a good safeword is something that would never be ambiguous or accidentally said as a normal part of play. Safe words should make your brain churn for a second on why they’d say that and thus make you remember that it’s a safe word. For example, "stop", “fuck you”, or “no” are bad safe words while “elephant” or “pineapple” are good safe words. When using a safe word, try to say it in isolation, not as part a sentence. It also helps to say it loudly and repeatedly, but this often isn't required as when you need to use a safe word you're sometimes not emotionally or physically capable of speaking up. If one of your safe words is being ignored or if someone tells you they don’t allow safe words, that’s a major red flag and you should tell someone about it immediately!

There are also non-verbal safe words (such as dropping a ball that’s been in the person’s hand the whole time or ringing a bell that’s tied to the person’s finger), but those are usually only used when someone cannot otherwise respond with their voice (such as when a gag is used or during “breath play”). Personally, I don’t do any sort of play that would require me to employ a non-verbal safe word.

Just like everyone in a session (regardless of their role) has limits, everyone in a session has safe words and has every right to invoke them at any time during play. In truth, safe words exist to allow a session to keep going unabated even while someone is screaming their lungs out. Safe words are a tool you use to keep a session going because by having safe words but not saying a safe word you're clearly indicating to everyone that you want to keep going and that you don't want out yet.

Tops and Bottoms

Regardless of the context of a session, a “Top” is a person doing something to a “bottom” person. When there’s a power exchange in the session, usually the Top is the person that has more power. Let’s take for example a male Dominant (ie. “Dom”) and a female submissive (ie. “sub”). If the Dom is spanking his sub, he’s topping his sub. However, that same Dom may order his sub to mount his cock and ride him, in which case the sub is topping the Dom. It should be noted that not all forms of kinky play involve just two people, and so there may be multiple tops and bottoms and whether they’re “topping” or “bottoming” may change throughout the session. Someone that does both essentially-equally is a “Switch”.

Sub-Frenzy and Naive Sub Syndrome

It's common for someone entering the scene as a sub to become enthralled with trying out everything BDSM has to offer. They're desperate for anything a Dom can dish out, or desperate to be a "good sub" even if it violates their own limits. It's a lot like getting an urge to try every single flavor of ice cream in the shop, except that you could unwittingly get permanent physical and psychological damage instead of just a stomach-ache. This odd but dangerous phenomenon is commonly called "sub-frenzy", and both Doms and subs (but especially Doms) should actively work to avoid it happening in their dynamic.

Naive Sub Syndrome is similar to sub-frenzy, except that it’s where a sub doesn’t keep their submissive emotions in check and well-grounded in reality. Some common symptoms include near-immediate adoption of strict submissive behavior and supposition of someone’s “Dom” status without requiring sufficient proof of such status. Beware of phony Doms that are just posers looking for easy sex. Real Doms discuss your needs with you and negotiate.

Aftercare and Drop

Aftercare is healing provided after a session to soothe any physical or psychological damage that may have happened. Although everyone’s preferred form of aftercare is usually different, some common forms of aftercare include the use of bandages, aloe vera, and antibiotics on any physical damage, as well as cuddling, a warm blanket, scented candles, or even comfort food such as a chocolate bar for healing psychological damage.

Some people never need aftercare from someone else (opting to provide their own aftercare), although this is relatively rare. Some others insist on never providing aftercare for others, which is understandable (as aftercare can produce feelings of attachment from the person needing aftercare) but generally you should be open to the possibility of providing aftercare for another person.

“Drop” is a little-discussed but widespread phenomenon in BDSM where one or more people involved in a kinky play session (usually only in particularly intense sessions) may experience sadness and a temporary form of depression as a result of the session itself (possibly including some of the physical aspects of depression, such as fatigue). A bottom that experiences “sub-drop” might feel worthless or that they deserve to be harmed or even (in extreme cases) have self-destructive or suicidal thoughts. A top that experiences “top-drop” might feel like they’re a monster for doing what they did in the session and likewise might (in extreme cases) have self-destructive or suicidal thoughts.

The symptoms of drop are elusive, and may occur within minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months or years after the session. It might not be clear even to the person experiencing drop that the depression is associated with a kinky play session at all! Recognizing the symptoms and healing from drop is difficult but absolutely necessary, so it’s important for you to have a good social support network (preferably of people within the kink scene) who you can go to for healing when you feel down (and it’s good to be that person for someone else). Many forms of drop can be prevented by the right kind of aftercare applied immediately after (or at least soon after) the session itself, as well as periodic mental-health check-ins with eachother for a while.

Negotiation

For any given play session, discussion of limits, safe words, gaining informed committed assent, etc. is absolutely critical. This discussion happens during “negotiation”.

Negotiation usually happens a short time before a play session or as part of a longer discussion about a desired long-term power exchange dynamic. Good negotiations often don’t have to be negotiated again (or take as long) for a later play session.

Some Golden Rules for Negotiations

1. You are an adult and are responsible for your own safety. Do not give up your rights or your sensibilities as an adult and put yourself in danger. Mental and physical abuse are not part of what we do. Never.

2. If you are new or about to begin with someone new, set very short goals for your first encounters. You can escalate the level of your partnership later. Start small. Build from there. If meeting somewhere other than a public venue, follow every established rule for safe first encounters.

3. Define your safe words. Use them if you need to. Know where the door is and know that you can use it, too. Never put yourself into a situation where you have no experience with someone and can not access the door if you choose to leave.

4. Familiarize yourself with the lingo of BDSM, kink, and fetish and discuss your interpretation of words and phrases. The same thing can mean different things to different people.

5. Define your limits as well as your partner’s limits, then stick by those limits until the next negotiation about them.

6. You are equal to the other person in this negotiation, whether you consider yourself Top, bottom, Master, slave, Dominant, submissive, switch or whatever other label you can find. After the negotiations, the equality arrangement may be different, but until an agreement is reached, you have just as many rights as the other person.

7. Go with your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong for you. Address that issue up front. And remember rule number 3. Always know where the door is if you need it.

8. You may be negotiating in good faith, but you have to be aware that the other person might not be doing the same thing either through inexperience or bad intentions. Be wary of coercion like, “if you are a real submissive, you will…”, or “I can only be with a real Dominant who does…”. These are negotiations and there should be give and take. If someone is throwing roadblocks to your negotiations or issuing you ultimatums, you should recognize them as problems and consider why you are still there.

9. If the other person presents a make or break issue that does not suit you but they will not budge on, consider the deal as already broken and move on. If they concede it grudgingly, and mutter under their breath that you “will do it eventually”, beware. When you are involved in a BDSM negotiation, hard limits are to be respected. A later negotiation may change the hard limits, but without a new negotiation, established limits have to be respected.

10. BDSM Negotiation is about finding your personal happiness and fulfillment. It is about establishing trust and opening up with your partner. Keep those goals in mind as you negotiate with your partner. Keep your eye on the prize. Good partners will always work towards each other’s mutual happiness. They will not be looking to take things at someone else’s expense.

Example Pre-Session Negotiation Topics

This is not a “worksheet” to be filled out each session, just a set of example topics you’d want to briefly cover with everyone involved. As you play with that person more and more, you usually won’t necessarily “need” to discuss everything here every time.

1. Arrangement of Roles

Who will take the part of the top partner or bottom partner, and participation of any other observers, the way partners address each other.

2. Expectations and needs of both partners

Likes and dislikes of submissive and dominant partners and the ability to fulfill each other’s needs.

3. Limits of the session

Boundaries that are set to define what experience is acceptable within psychological (such as humiliation, obedience or verbal violation) and physical limits (such as pain, marks and resistance to various influences).

4. Types of play

Practices that would be included in a session: bondage, role-playing, spanking, sensory deprivation, etc.

5. BDSM Gear and attire

What materials, adult toys, fetish wear, and/or fetish furniture will be used.

6. Duration of the session

At what time the session starts and ends and who will be in charge of tracking the time.

7. Health concerns

Talking over existing health problems: allergies, chronic diseases, STDs, taking any medications, etc.

8. Safety measures

Any safety tools or procedures that will be used to prevent disastrous situations if something were to go wrong.

9. Sexual contact

What type of sexual activity is accepted if any.

10. Safe words

One or set of verbal and non-verbal signs that will be used to stop the play or slow it down.

11. Aftercare

What each person will require to best recover from the session physically and psychologically.

Example Post-Session Negotiation Topics

These topics should be addressed after any aftercare is finished and everyone is lucid.

1. Discuss whether anyone is experiencing any physical, emotional, social, or psychological pain.

2. Discuss the session’s possible drawbacks or otherwise-positive moments.

3. Discuss eachother’s feelings about the session and offer suggestions for future sessions.

Some Common Kinds of Play

This is far from a complete list of the different kinds of play. These specific acts are often seen within a larger “context” for play, but don’t actually require a context.

Penetration Play: Pretty self-explanatory here. Intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, double penetration, triple penetration, gang bangs, fisting, etc. Be sure to use barriers such as condoms, gloves, and dental dams at all times!

Impact Play: Any sort of sexual act which involves something striking another person. Spanking, caning, whipping, paddling, flogging, bastinado, hard-body play, etc.

Sensation Play: Any sort of sexual act which involves feeling some sort of texture on their body. For example, some people are aroused by feeling fur, ice, leather, rubber, or even a knife blade on their body.

Bondage: Immobilizing or restricting someone in some way. The most common form of bondage uses rope, but cuffs, chains, bondage furniture, and cellophane are also common. Breath play (a.k.a. “autoerotic asphyxiation”) also falls into this category.

Fire Play: Any sort of sexual act which involves high temperatures or fire in some way. While literally lighting something on the person on fire is common, another popular form of fire play is “fire cupping” (which uses fire to create a vacuum).

Electric Play: Any sort of sexual act which directly involves electricity in some way. The most common form of electric play involves the use of a “violet wand”.

Blood Play: This form of “edge play” is any sort of act which involves deliberately piercing the skin in some way. Piercing, cutting, and other forms of body modification as play fall into this category. This kind of play is particularly dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained practitioner (or under the direct supervision of a trained practitioner). Never let blood get on a porous toy or implement (most implements are porous). If you do, that toy or implement can NEVER be used safely on any other person ever again!

Fetish Play: This is a very broad category that can be independent of or be added onto any or all of the other kinds of play above. Generally, a fetish refers to a very specific thing that you incorporate in a play session that turns someone on. For example, you could have a fetish for play that specifically is about feet, where feet as a thing turns you on and is entirely separate from any of the forms of play above. You could likewise have a foot fetish that you prefer be incorporated into any impact play you do. A fetish is oftentimes a context in-itself and not just an aspect of some other context. There are an infinite number of miscellaneous fetishes, such as chocolate syrup, mud, a person’s height/weight/size, etc.

Some Optional Contexts

All of the above are related to specific sexual acts, but sexual activity can have an optional context. Long-term kink arrangements that don’t have a specific context are usually referred to as being “play partners”. Always beware of phonies that use a BDSM context to disguise their misogyny, abusive behavior, or desire for easy sex!

It’s possible to have a situation where multiple contexts apply, but below are some of the most common contexts. A context may or may not have an erotic subtext or even involve eroticism at all. I should note that many contexts blend into eachother and so a universal definition is often impossible. However, I’ve tried here to use the most bare-bones rough definitions that come to mind.

Role Play: This is mostly what you might expect. Any sort of miscellaneous role kink fills this category, such as nurse roleplay, school roleplay, military roleplay, etc.

Sadism/Masochism (S/M) Play: Sadism is deriving pleasure from causing pain, whereas masochism is deriving pleasure from receiving pain. While an overwhelming majority of kinky play involves an amount of Sadism and Masochism to some minor degree, “sadists” and “masochists” derive a much greater amount of pleasure than others from the giving or receiving of pain regardless of the act that actually causes the pain.

Domination/submission (D/s) Play: This kind of play is very common in the scene and is ostensibly based around controlling someone and being superior to them, although love and care are also very important. Contrary to popular belief, a Dom's job is to be a facilitator for the expressed desires of their sub. A Dom is if-anything the servant of their sub, not the other way around, and listens carefully to help their sub grow and explore themselves.

Master/slave (M/s) Play: A far more intense and in many ways more intimate form of Domination/submission play. Unlike D/s play, this kind of play is much more about love and care (some would say taken to their logical extremes) as opposed to emphasizing control and superiority. Note: BDSM "contracts" are not a real thing except as a purely symbolic gesture. They have no legal standing and exist only as a kind of roleplay. Do not interpret the use of a "contract" as meaning you cannot leave, as you can always leave.

Age Play: Any sort of play which is focused around someone recalling and emulating (regressing) a psychological state of a much much younger version of themselves. There’s likewise an older figure that takes care of that person. The most common forms of this are Daddy/girl, Infantilism, Mommy/boy, or any combination of these facets.

Pet Play: Similar to age play, but instead of regressing to a younger psychological state, they emulate some kind of domesticated animal. Some varieties of this include kitty play, doggy play, etc.

Fur Play (a.k.a. “furries”): This type of play carries some aspects of pet play, but more focuses on the use of an alternate persona (or “fursona”) as an emotional and social avenue for intrapersonal exploration.

Consensual Nonconsent (CNC) Play: This kind of edge play is where there’s a mutual agreement to be able to act as if consent has been waived, where comprehensive consent is given in advance, with the intent of it being irrevocable under most circumstances. This often occurs without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned in a session. This context is considered a show of extreme trust and understanding, so it’s controversial or often even frowned upon in the scene due to concerns about abuse and safety. A common form of consensual nonconsent is “resistance play”, where a bottom in the session may actively struggle against the top and try to escape.

Getting Involved

Okay, so you understand the basics of BDSM itself, so… now what? The easiest way to get into BDSM is to attend kink events and get to know people and learn from their experiences!

Your Scene Name

Kink is not (and may never be) accepted by society at-large, and many of us would be devastated if we were outed as kinky to the general public. Additionally, for many of us, our gender and basic sexuality is taboo (such as being trans or being gay) so there’s even more importance on not being outed. For this reason (and others), many of us take on a pseudonym called a “scene name”.

Most of us simply use our real first name and never tell anyone in the scene our real last name, but for many of us that’s often not good enough for comfortably interacting in the scene. Additionally, some of us use our scene name as an entirely alternate persona in order for us to have a part of ourselves that is sexually-liberated but entirely separate from how we live and act out in “vanilla” (real) world.

Munches

Most BDSM groups require that you attend a “munch” before allowing you to go to their play parties. A munch is a plain-clothes kink event that takes place at a public venue (such as at a bar or restaurant). Most people use munches to social network and catch up on what’s been going on with their friends in the scene. There’s almost never any sort of BDSM play at a munch, but it’s not unheard-of for people to go home together after a munch and play at home. Keep in mind that kinky people are just ordinary people that happen to also like kinky things!

If possible ahead of time, ask the group leadership online how to recognize the table for the munch group for when you arrive. Some groups put a certain stuffed animal on the table. Others have the group leader wear a certain silly hat. Anything which would allow you to immediately recognize the munch group will help you get up the courage to sit at their table. Once you’re at the munch, just socialize! Ask to speak to one of the leaders of the group. Ask the leader about the group’s purpose, how long the group’s been around, if there are any special rules that set them apart from other groups, how often they have a party, how much the parties cost (and whether you can pay at the door), what you have to do to get directions to the party, what the parties are like, etc. If you prefer certain kinds of play, ask the leader if they see someone there that specializes in those kinds of play (be specific about what kinds).

Parties

A play party, much like a munch, is a social event. People are there largely to hang out and catch up with their friends in the BDSM scene. You’re expected to stay out of the immediate area of where actual play is happening and to keep your voice down (within reason), but apart from that you can treat it just like a munch. You are NOT required to play, but there are often party-specific “house” rules.

There will likely be people walking around naked or nearly-naked pretty-much constantly regardless of whether they’re actually playing, but nudity is never required. There’s usually BDSM furniture that are each a different play space (such as a spanking bench or a rope hoop). Sometimes there are private rooms for people that are timid about playing in “public”. There’s also normal furniture, but if you’re naked then you’ll want to put a towel under you when you sit there.

Although there’s almost always refreshments of some sort available (provided as potluck by the attendees usually), there is almost NEVER alcohol because alcohol interferes with the ability to provide “informed committed assent”. Some parties do allow alcohol, but require that if you are going to the party that you go to play OR drink, but not both.

When you arrive, usually it’s okay to walk right in the door, but some groups ask that you knock first. To make sure, ask someone that has gone to that party before. You’re free to leave whenever you like, but depending on the party you might not be allowed back in if you return.

Parties usually run from about 8PM to 1AM once a month at someone’s home (where special precautions have to be taken by party-goers to protect the homeowner’s privacy), but in many communities that are large enough to afford it there’s a dedicated play space (usually out in the middle of nowhere) for parties. Some groups require that upon arriving at a party you show a valid Driver’s License to prove you’re 18 or older, and a few even require that you sign a waiver removing the group itself of legal liability in case something goes terribly wrong at one of their parties (extremely rare, but it does happen). Many groups ask for a small donation to attend each party ($10~$30), which might be in the form of a ticket purchasable at one of their munches.

Every party’s rules are different, but you can make a few general assumptions for how you should behave when someone is having a play session at a party:

1. Do not move too close (relative to the other people watching the session),

2. Do not make much noise (relative to the other people watching the session),

3. Do not take ANY pictures or video (or even pull out your cell phone at all),

4. Do not clap or otherwise applaud when the session ends

5. Do not open a closed door to a play space unless explicitly told you can, and

6. Do not treat sessions you see like pornos (don’t masturbate).

It's often highly-recommended that you NOT play at your first play party, but instead just quietly observe and socialize like you would at a munch. A kinky play party can be really intense and overwhelming for some newcomers, and getting caught up in that intensity can (in a sense) impair your judgement. So, regardless of how horny you or your partner become from watching, save it until you get home... and maybe play at your next play party.

Most groups insist that after attending a party you don’t tell anyone else anything specific about what happened at the party. BDSM itself (and play parties in particular) may be offensive to people who might hear about it or overhear about it and you don’t want to give those people the means to disrupt What It Is That We Do (WIITWD). It’s alright to tell them about parties in a general sense though.

FetLife

FetLife ( http://FetLife.com ) is a social networking site, forum board, and blogging service for kinky people. It’s useful (although often not “required”) to get an account on FetLife because many BDSM groups use FetLife as a forum for discussing their interests and planning kink events. Once signed up, you usually have to join a group (which is often just a matter of reading some basic rules of conduct for that group and clicking a “join” button) to become involved in their events. FetLife is essentially free for most purposes, but some optional non-essential features (such as the ability to watch videos that members upload on the site) require paying a subscription fee. Personally, I’ve never felt a need to pay for a subscription.

FetLife is not a dating site. Yes people make profiles on FetLife and yes people do sometimes find life-long romantic partners on it, but this is secondary to FetLife’s goal of allowing people to explore and express their kinky awesomeness. FetLife is also not a porn site. Yes, there is pornography on it, but the “porn” almost always consists of specific people in the BDSM scene instead of being made by a big-name production company. Pornographic material on FetLife is almost always published on FetLife to promote and celebrate the sexual liberty of that person rather than for profit.

You indicate your current city on your profile so that you can find kinksters in your city, which can be a bad thing if you don't want to receive messages from kinksters near you. A whopping half of all women on FetLife mark their profile as in Antarctica so that trying to find their profile is like looking for a specific needle in a stack of other needles, so if you're a woman then I highly recommend that you mark your own profile as if you're in Antarctica. I also highly recommend that you never show your face as your profile picture, and if you have a penis then NEVER put a dick pic as your profile picture! It's fine if there's a dick pic in your photos in-general, but don't make it your main profile pic because that's a huge turn-off for almost-everyone!

Regardless of what you set for your location, you can search for cities near you with the search bar up top and find the message boards for social groups for that city. Search for a large city near you and look for group listings with a large number of members, usually over 1,000+ people. If a group's message board has recent postings, they're likely active and have munches you can attend. You can join the group at the top of the message board, but be sure to read the rules of that group to make sure that group meets your needs, or whether you'll need to go back and search for another group (or for another city near you). Be careful about joining too many social groups though, because each one opens you up to more people potentially finding your profile.

Once you've joined a group, check whether there's an "introductions" thread pinned to the top of the message board for where you can introduce yourself, as well as the other pinned threads at the top for useful information like whether they're on Discord. Some FetLife message boards are more for posting about upcoming events than they are for socializing, and there's almost always a dedicated "personals" group for posting that you're looking for a playmate (in which case that's the only place you should post such things), as well as message boards dedicated to specific kinks. Ask about the local munches and whether there's a vetting process for them.

You can post pictures, writings, and videos to your FetLife profile, but unless you set the posting as for "friends only" then everyone on FetLife (all FetLifers) can see them if they look at your profile. So long as you hide your face in pictures and don't put personally-identifiable information in your writings, you'll probably be fine marking something as visible to all FetLifers. If you have nudes and other sexy pictures or erotica you'd want restricted though, you'll want to set them to "friends only". Not even your "followers" will get to see those posts. That likewise means you should be careful who you add as friends because friends can see all of those private posts. Also, while videos you upload are normally only watchable by Fetlifers with a paid subscription, if you tag a specific FetLife account in a video, that person will be able to watch the video for free.

All of this is to help yourself be safer, while still enabling you to post the hottest kinky sex you want to your profile.

In Closing…

I hope this beginners guide to kink/BDSM helps you better understand What It Is That We Do and destigmatize for you what can be a wonderful form of exploring your sexuality. To start exploring what all is out there for you, I’d recommend you join FetLife and start searching for what interests you!

Although I’ve described some of the most common forms of BDSM above, one place you can find a somewhat more-comprehensive overview of everything would be to create your own Human Sex Map ( http://humansexmap.com ). You can use Urban Dictionary ( http://UrbanDictionary.com ) to find definitions for most of the stuff on that map.

Here's a primer so that you understand the gist of it.

If you don’t have a lot of time...

Essential Concepts